Sex, wigs and poison
by prancing-pink-monkeys
Summary: maddness in Port Royal, The Commedor is a drag queen, will's high, Elizbeth has a hairy surprise, and Jack is, well just Jack!, read to find out! (this is written by the shiny pearl with a little help from me so credit 2 shiny!)
1. Default Chapter

Sex wigs and poison

disclaimer-We do not own any of the cast of pirates of the carribean one day we will but not yet. All events in this (rather fantastic lol) story are purely fictional and came out of twisted minds.

Chapter 1- a hairy surprise!!

Elizabeth sat looking in her mirror scrutinising her appearance she lat out and long sigh and will came and sat next to her. They sat in silence looking slightly freaked out.

"Oh will" whined Elizabeth "why does everything have to happen to me?"

"Don't worry its not that bad, it's actually not that noticeable" will replied in a somewhat unconvincing tone.

Elizabeth smiled not and turned to face will "do you really think so?" She asked hopefully? Thinking that she may be overacting

Will grimaced and forced a smile " Definitely! it just looks like a small shadow or something besides, I think it makes you look very distinguished!"

"What!" cried Elizabeth

"Erm" stammered Will "What I meant was....er.....You look...er very sophisticated! Yeah! That's it, sophisticated!"

"Um-ok" said Elizabeth slightly unsure "Are you sure it's not that noticeable?"

"Yes I'm very sure; in fact I'm positive!" Will replied cheerfully

"Thank you" smiled Elizabeth as she turned back towards the mirror and brushed her hair.

Will sighed and shook his head.

Suddenly governor swan rushed in looking extremely exited

"Elizabeth!" He cried "look what I've got!"

"What is it father?" Elizabeth asked turning to face the governor

"OH MY GOD!" cried the governor as he fainted falling with a large thud

Elizabeth shot Will an evil look "not that noticeable huh?"

Will bit his lip and laughed nervously trying 2 think of something 2 say. Luckily for him Elizabeth attention switched to the governor who had begun to come round.

He looked up at Elizabeth, a dazed expression on his face "Elizabeth dear what has happened to your face?" then he suddenly realised "oh no"

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Flashback

The governor look concerned as he entered the room to find his wife looking out the window.

"What is it dear?" he asked

Taking a deep breath his wife replied "there's something I need to tell you"

"What is it?" asked the governor feeling the worry rise inside of him

The wife sighs "well you know I'm from France don't you?"

"Of course I do but I don't see what that has to do with anything"

"Well.. We have this thing, it only occurs in the women in my family"

"You're not sick are you?" asked the governor rushing over to his wife

"No I'm........... Oh just look" the governors wife tuned to face him her eyes cast down in shame. The governor stopped dead in his tracks there on his wife's face was a large, hairy ....... MOUSTACHE!

"I'm sorry" the governors wife began "I tried to get rid of it but it just grew back worse

The governor just stood in front of his wife absolutely speechless. The governors wife stared back as tears began to well up in her eyes "I'M A FREAK!" She cried

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

End flash back

"DAMN THE FRENCH!" cried the governor who had curled up in a ball.

Elizabeth and Will looked at each other then at the governor who was beginning to uncurl.

"soooo.." said Will trying to dispel the tense atmosphere "what was it you wanted to show us?"

The governor's face cleared "ah yes! my wig" he declared as he removed his hat to reveal a shocking pink wig "what do you think? Its all the rage in Cuba!'

Will and Elizabeth looked at each other with looks of horror upon their faces. There was a long pause and Governor Swan began to look anxious.

"Well" said will "you certainly stand out"

"Great!" Replied the governor his face breaking in to a large grin.

There was an awkward silence between the tree. Mainly because Governor Swan couldn't help staring at Elizabeth's moustache, he count help it, it just looked like a large hairy caterpillar had died under her nose! Will noticed the governors staring and cleared his throat bring the governor out of his trance.

"Oh well! I must be going. You know how it is, places to go, people to see" and with that governor Swan turned and walked out the door.

Elizabeth turned and faced Will

"What am I going to do? She whined

"Errm why don't you go to the barbers and get it trimmed?" Suggested Will

"Oh no! there is no way I'm going out like this!"

"Yeah I no you'd scare the crap outta the little children" Will muttered

"What was that?" Shrieked Elizabeth

"Er why don't you wear a veil or something to cover your face?" Will replied desperately trying to get out of the hole he had dug for himself

"Good idea! Will you are the best!"

Said Elizabeth as she planted a kiss on his cheek. It took will all the self control he had not to itch where Elizabeth had kissed him. Elizabeth went and got a veil and cloak and went off to the barbers leaving Will al alone.

.


	2. chapter2

Disclaimer- We still do not own any of the cast of pirates of the carribean but we are getting closer to obtaining an extra from the first scene. As we said before all events are purely fictional

Also- we have more of this story and it gets a lot better so please review so we know ppl are reading this!

AND-There are some minor spelling errors that the spellchecker and myself have missed im very sorry 4 these they wont happen again promise;)

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Chapter 2 - Another side to Will

As soon as will heard the door close he walked over to the other side of the room and pulled back the rug. Then he slowly pried up a loose floorboard and took out a bag of white powder. He smiled to himself as he stroked the bag "Ah" he sighed dreamily "where would I be without my darling cocaine"

Meanwhile.......

Elizabeth walked through the streets with a piece of cloth covering her face. The townspeople looked at her weirdly, but Elizabeth knew it was better than them running away screaming.

She walked into the barber's shop and was greeted by a short, frail man who got up of his stool and approached her.

"Excuse me; I was hoping you would be able to help me" Said Elizabeth

"What could I do for you?" The barber replied

"Could you cut something for me?" (Author- any1 thinking anything rude shame on u!)

"Well I usually only serve men and your hair looks neat to me"

"Believe me it's not my hair that's need cutting" Said Elizabeth getting more embarrassed by the minute.

"Well... er, what do you want then?" asked the barber abruptly "I'm kinda busy today, but I could help you tomorrow"

"PLEASE!" begged Elizabeth "I can't go another day looking like this"

"Like what?"

Elizabeth ripped the cloth off her face in desperation and screamed "THIS!"

The old mans eyes widened with fear and he just stood in front of Elizabeth staring. He began to slowly back away not taking his eyes off her face.

"Please don't go I need your help!" pleaded Elizabeth

The old man grabbed something off the wall and held it in front of Elizabeth's face, it was a crucifix "DEMON BE GONE!" he screamed. Elizabeth just stood in the shop speechless. Then the barber grabbed a bottle of holy water and threw it at Elizabeth "ow!" she cried as she threw her hands up to her eyes "it burns!". Yet the old barber wasn't done yet he picked up his bible and took a well-aimed shot at Elizabeth's head hitting her right between the eyes. "ow! that hurt what the hell are you trying to do? you crazy man!"

"GET OUT DEMON!!"

Elizabeth ran out of the barbers quickly replacing the cloth back on her face

Back at the house.....................................................

Will was completely high and currently arguing with his reflection in the mirror. The house was a mess.

"Sir stop copying me! I know you look like me but that doesn't give you the right to mimic me!"

He stared hard at the mirror for a while before becoming annoyed

"Right! You asked for it!" He shouted as he punched the mirror shattering it into thousands of tiny pieces.

"Wow I had no idea people could shatter like that" Will mused as he walked onto the landing. Then an idea struck him. Will hopped onto the banister and began to slide down not thinking about the fact it had been polished the day before so was EXTREMELY slippery. Halfway down he began to realise that he was going to fast, but it was too late. Will desperately tried to stop but to no avail as he reached the end of the banister he flew through the air and landed headfirst into the door knocked out.

Five minutes later Elizabeth ran into the house wanting to go hide in her room but instead she tripped over Will and fell flat on her face causing the cloth to fall off.

She slowly got up and dusted herself off, she looked around and then at Will "Oh! My god!" She exclaimed "We've been robbed!"

(Authors-well you'd think that too if you came home to find your house trashed and your husband lying unconscious on the floor)

Meanwhile.......................

Commodore Norrington smiled at his reflection as he applied the last of his make-up

"You look divine darling" he said as he stood up and smoothed out the creases in his dress and straightened his wig.

This would be the commodores first outing as a woman little did the people of the port know their commodore had given up on women all together after being rejected by Elizabeth and now sought fun in his cross dressing and numerous male crushes.

"Well its now or never" he declared as he opened his front door and stepped out into the sunshine.

Elizabeth ran out of the house to look for help but she wasn't looking where she was going and ran into a heavily made up woman.

"I'm so sorry" Elizabeth said blushing "Can you please help me?"

The woman just looked at Elizabeth as if she was mad but then the woman spoke.

"Why miss Elizabeth its good to see you. How are things with Will?

Elizabeth stared at the woman, then it hit her. This was no woman it was the commodore! But why was he wearing a dress? and why the make up? AND what the hell had he done to his wig? it was permed!

"Commodore" said Elizabeth shakily "may I ask why you are dressed like a woman?" The commodore frowned at Elizabeth the replied "I could ask you the same question"

Elizabeth was insulted "I'm dressed like this because I'm a woman!"

"Liar!" Shouted the commodore

"What are you talking about?" Asked Elizabeth who was now very confused

"Well _SIR_ in case you didn't notice your moustache is clearly a giveaway" replied the commodore smugly

"It is I Elizabeth! Don't you recognize me?" She asked pleading with her eyes

"Clever very clever but I'm not falling for that, so for trying but failing miserably to impersonate the governors daughter I shall have to accompany you to the jail"

And with that the commodore took Elizabeth's arm and lad her to the jail.

Yet the commodore knew that this was Elizabeth but this arrest was perfectly explainable and gave the commodore the perfect chance to make his move on will whom he had loved since he first saw him?

When they reached the jail the commodore pushed Elizabeth inside roughly and locked the door.

He walked away ignoring Elizabeth's pleas and laughed evilly to himself


	3. chapter 3

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Disclaimer-Ok u all probably know this by now but anyway we can't afford another law suit, so. We do not own any of the cast and crew from pirates of the Caribbean however we are bidding on ebay for one of the extras.

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Chapter 3- Norrington and flying monkeys?!

Around two hours after Elizabeth was taken Will slowly woke up

"Arhhh my head is killin' me!" he shouted still in a daze then he sat up and slowly looked around at the house which was still a total mess

"Elizabeth's gonna kill me! wait, what time is it?" Will glanced over at the clock to find out thta it was 12 pm!

Will began to worry "ok" he said thinking "Its midnight now Elizabeth's been gone for a WHOLE day hmmm, maybe the barbers scissors broke when he was cutting her erm hairy face" Will grimaced at the thought of this "Or maybe she's been seen without her mask and she is sitting in jail right now or even at a freak show 'coz people pay good money to see stuff like that"

"Yeah like any of that's gonna happen!" he smiled as he started to laugh to himself

"God, im gonna have to stop talking to myself the butler (who had just arrived to start breakfast preparations) keeps giving me funny looks, not to mention the amount of people who thought I've been talking to them"

Then Will heard a noise upstairs

"Oh crap! they must of got out of the basement!"

Will Ran up the stairs as fast as his legs could carry him and entered his room. There he saw five monkeys messing up the place (If that was humanly possible s the room was already a tip to begin with) On the monkeys backs were small wings that Will had made for them as it was his dream to own a fleet of flying monkeys and he was in the process of teaching them to fly.

"Damn monkeys get out of my room!" Shouted Will but the monkeys just stared at him. But then an idea struck Will and a smile slowly formed on his face.

"My friends" exclaimed Will "Please listen to me! Elizabeth is missing and I need you to help me find her. Fly out of the window and don't return until you find her!" The monkeys remained still, their small eye fixed on Will who was franticly waving his arms around.

"Go! fly! I BELIEVE IN YOU!" Will yelled yet the monkeys kept staring only moving to watch a tumbleweed roll along the floor. Will let out a deep sigh and ran his hand through his hair.

"Okay then you do this for me and there will be a load of bananas waiting for you!" And at this the monkeys sprang into life and sprinted towards the window.

Will was jumping up and down with excitement "YES THAT'S IT!, GO MY MONKEY MINIONS! I KNEW WEREN'T STUPID!"

The monkeys were sprinting in slow motion to Will who's face was full of hope. The monkeys leapt into the air but unfortunately Will had overlooked the small fact that the window wasn't open and the monkeys hit the glass and fell to the floor with a loud thud. Will suddenly lost it. He grabbed a nearby chair and started to viciously hit the window.

"Why won't you break!" he shouted angrily. Then Will felt something grab his arm. He look4ed down to see one of the monkeys who was pointing behind them. Will turned around to see one of the monkeys jump up and open the window in one easy movement.

"Well I was just going to do that!"

The monkeys look at each other and begin to talk as Will looks on baffled.

"And the humans call US stupid!"

"just let it go will you?! that" said the monkey motioning to Will "Is not human"

"You're telling me" commented another

"Don't worry friends! when we find Elizabeth he will be happy, leave us alone and we can take over this world!"

"You were always the smart one Cecil"

The monkeys all laughed evilly then began to walk through the window and onto the balcony. The monkeys stood side by side and altogether they jumped off the balcony trying with all their might to fly. But alas, instead of flying the monkeys fall to their deaths, one because their wings were steel - very heavy, and two , monkeys cant fly.

"Well!" roared Will those two years have been a complete waste of my time! I'll have to go find Elizabeth myself!"

Will ran down the stairs and out the front door. But Will didn't get very far before he ran straight into a woman or was it a man? who fell on top of him. Will looked up to see none other than, you guessed it Commodore Norrington lying on top of him looking both excited and extremely pleased.

"Oh Will" gushed the commodore "you don't know how long I've waited for this!"

Will was speechless all he could do was stare at the commodore.

"Er..." stuttered the commodore realising his mistake" I was just looking for you!"

"Right" said Will stunned "you can let me go now"

The commodore realised that he had been gripping Wills arms VERY tight. He quickly let go, blushing.

"Sorry" said the commodore "you're really strong you know"

"Erm thanks?" said Will desperate to escape the commodore and carry on looking for Elizabeth.

The commodore and Will stood up. Will looked the commodore up and down and said "Commodore can i ask what in the lords name ARE you wearing?"

"Er" started the commodore but was cut off by Will again

"Have you seen Elizabeth?"

"I might have" answered the commodore coyly "Blue dress, hairy face?"

"Yes that's the one, have you seen her?"

"Depends" said the commodore "Are you prepared to do anything to get her back?"

"Yes! please help me" cried Will

Commodore Norrington slowly walked up to Will and began to make circles on Wills chest with his finger.

"That could be arranged" he smiled raising and eyebrow as he slowly leant in to kiss Will.

Will jumped back "What the hell are you doing you sick freak?!"

"Oh come on Will" said the commodore "You know you want it"

Will punched the commodore in the stomach. "Hey just 'cause you look like my girl doesn't mean you can act like it to!" shouted Will as he turned and ran away disgusted.

The commodore held out his arms "YOU CAN'T HIDE YOUR FEELINGS WILL! I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY!"

Will reached the house, opened the door and bolted upstairs where he threw himself on the bed, curled up into a ball and cried himself to sleep.

So there ya go chapter three chapter four should be up 2morrow (monday) or tuesday. Please read and review if you want more! the more reviews the faster we post!


	4. chapter 4

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Disclaimer- ok once again we do not own any of the cast and crew from pirates of the Caribbean (the ebay bid closes tomorrow) All events in this story are purely twisted thoughts from our own sick minds, one day we hope to be able to afford treatment for this. Till then enjoy!

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Chapter 4- confrontations (ooooooh)

Will woke up the next morning all alone. The house was still in a terrible mess mainly because Will couldn't be bothered cleaning. Slowly Will got up and walked over to the window where he opened the curtains only to be greeted by a truly horrific sight.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Will jumping back from the window

"Hello Will, I've been watching you sleep" there on the balcony was the commodore and he was filthy! His dress was torn and his wig was lop-sided and contained a large array of twigs and to top it off he appeared to be covered in monkey hair!

"How, may I ask did you manage to watch me since the curtains were CLOSED!" yelled Will who had turned a very interesting shade of pale.

The commodore didn't say anything he just smiled at Will and held up a pair of scissors. Will drew the curtains only to find a pair of eyeholes cut out of them!

"Riiiight I'm not even gonna ask" said Will

"It was quite simple really" replied the commodore "I just climbed in through that window over there" The commodore pointed to the open window where Will tragically lost his monkeys to the laws of gravity.

"Well if the window was open why didn't you just stay in the room?" asked Will

"Oh will, after what happened yesterday I wanted to give you some space"

"Oookk then. Maybe you should just leave" said Will who was seriously freaked out by the fact he had a cross dressing commodore stalker (author-lets face it who wouldn't?)

"LEAVE?!!" Yelled the commodore "Leave! Will you don't realise what I went through to see you!" The commodore began to pout and Will just stood there absolutely speechless.

"I CLIMBED UP HERE TO SEE YOU WILL! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I WADED THROUGH DEAD MONKEYS FOR YOU!" the commodore was shaking Will, blinded by rage "CAN'T YOU SEE WILL I LOVE YOU!"

Will backed away from the commodore

"Ewww get the hell away from me you sick, twisted, stalker freak!"

Now this would be enough for one person but the commodore was a persistent person

"Admit it Will, you care for me as I you!"

Will decided to try a new approach instead of shouting

"I'm sorry but I don't go that way"

The commodore was beginning to hurt

"But what about Elizabeth?" he said "You still love her even though she has a moustache! face it Will, you like people with a little facial hair!"

Will was getting angry and slightly sick

"Don't you talk about her like that! Elizabeth is more of a woman than you'll ever be!"

The commodore turned away from Will hurt by his comment he whispered

"How could you say that?"

"What?" asked Will

The commodore turned around angrily

"Just because I was born with this" he said pointing to his crotch "Doesn't mean I can't make you happy Will!"

"Excuse me but I don't like back door entrances so if you're looking for a good time take the monkeys they won't mind!"

The commodore didn't reply he just stared at the floor

Will was disgusted "Oh my god you already did, didn't you?!"

"I, I couldn't help it" began the commodore "They were there and so was I , what can I say? After you left me in the street I had a couple of drinks- I thought it was you!"

Wills head was spinning "Did it occur to you that maybe my ass isn't that hairy?!"

The commodore looked at Will with a gleam in his eye

"Will. are you coming on to me?"

Will frowned "Not even if you were the last cross dresser on earth!"

"Well" replied the commodore in a snotty voice "I suppose you DON'T want to know where Elizabeth is then"

"Yes I do, tell me where she is, please!"

"Sorry can't help you"

Will was very agitated but then an idea crossed his mind, he shuddered at the thought but knew it was what he had to do to get Elizabeth back. Will slowly walked towards commodore Norrington and tried to make his voice seductive.

"Well then if you can't help me then i won't be bale to help you big boy, er girl"

(Authors note -This will NOT get graphic or anything like that were sick but not that sick)

The commodore looked very happy

"Oh Will, that's it give into your feelings"

Will smiled (well tried to anyway but lets face it he's coming on to a man!)

"Now" said Will as he moved closer to the commodore

"If I do something for you, you have to do something for me"

Commodore Norrington giggled like a schoolgirl

"Anything?" he smiled

"Where's Elizabeth?" asked Will hopefully

"ah ah ah not yet, patience" said the commodore as he leant in to kiss Will only to be interrupted by a very familiar voice, well interrupted the commodore, Will looked more than relieved.

HeHe cliff-hanger woooooo. Wonder who the voice belongs to? All will be revealed next time and remember the more replies the faster the update!


	5. a very quick note from the authors

Hey this is a very quick note just to say that we haven't forgotten about this story. But its not being updated fast because we are currently in the middle of exams (oh joy) but we will be adding more chapters soon, promise. Till then plz tell ppl about this and get them 2 read and review so we can get an idea of how many ppl r reading this.

Thanx

Prancing-pink-monkeys & the shiny pearl :)


	6. chapter 5

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Chapter 3- A friendly face

Disclaimer- Ok you all know the drill by now we own nobody or nothing related to Pirates of the Caribbean. Also all events in this story are purely fictional. Or are they? you will never know.

"Well well, looks like the nicknames taking effect on ye eh whelp?"

Will and commodore Norrington turned round to see none other than Jack Sparrow, er sorry CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow standing in the doorway, staring at the pair looking somewhat disturbed but masking it with a smirk. A painful silence fell between the three only to be broken by Will who took a deep breath and began to speak.

"Jack! this isn't wha.....'"

"Hey its ok!" Interrupted Jack "I mean whatever ye decide to do in yer life is fine by me I'm a very open minded man ,but don't ye think ye ought to tell Elizabeth first?"

"Oh god no you think me and the commodore are.... no its definitely nothing like that!' Replied Will Wishing the floor would open up and swallow him.

Jack raised an eyebrow "oh ye? Well from where I'm standing, it looks like the commodore and yeself are having an nice moment together so I'll just leave you to it" Jack turned to leave when Will shouted "Its nothing the commodore came on to me! besides he's drunk, yeh drunk!"

Jack looked squinted and looked at the commodore then turned to face Will "Really?"

"Yes" says Will "he's totally and completely bladdered!"

"Doesn't look drunk to me mate"

Will began to panic "Of course he is, look at him, Can't stand up, see?" Will turned around his brain working overtime thinking of a way to make the commodore look drunk, then it hit him. Will smiled and pushed the commodore (who still hasn't spoken because 1. He's in shock and 2. There are now two hot guys in the same room as him and to the commodore the possibilities are endless! Author-no! were sorry, eeeww bad thoughts, emotional scarring)

Unfortunately Will had pushed the commodore a bit too hard. The commodore stumbled back and then tumbled out of the window. The commodore let out an extremely girlish scream and landed with a thud. Jack and Will stood in silence neither phased or bothered about the commodore.

Will decided it was definitely time to change the subject. "sooooo what brings you here?"

Jack looked shocked "Can't a friend go to another friends wedding and not get questioned, I thought we were good friends mate"

"Who's wedding?" asked Will

"Yer's ye daft idiot!"

"Er Jack" said Will

"Ye?"

"Our wedding was last year, you were there, remember?"

"Oh that?! I thought that was just a practise one!"

Will just looked at Jack then said

"And why would we do that?"

"Er, I dunno anyway wheres Elizabeth?"

Will looked at the floor "I'm not sure , haven't seen her since yesterday morning"

"Well then lets go find er!"

"Good idea!" Jack and Will turned to leave when they heard a voice.

"Hello? , for anybody who cares I'm ok, the monkeys broke my fall!" It was the comodore who was now lying on the pile of dead monkeys beneath the window.

Will felt the anger rise inside him. He rushed to the window, furious.

"You leave my monkeys alone, damnit! they've suffered enough thanks to you!"

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm sorry Will!" came the reply

"Oh bite me you old sadistic crone!"

Jack walked up to Will "Scuse me, I don't mean to interrupt your lovers tiff but i think we need to find Elizabeth"

"Ye" agreed Will "Lets go Jack"

"By the way, what the bloody 'ells happened to yer house?"

Will embarrassed by the fact it was his doing when he was high mad esomething up.

"Er I think Elizabeth did it"

Jack looked at Will

"And why the 'ell would she do that?"

"Oh I don't know, probably that time of the month again"

Jack nodded "Aye, probably. That might of been the reason as to why she burnt all my rum!" Jack cringed at this thought "lets go"

As Jack and Will left the house the commodore staggered up to them a mad look in bis eyes.

"Will where are you going?"

"To find Elizabeth"

"You won't find her" Chuckled the commodore "I'm the only one who knows where she is"

"Please tell me!" begged Will

"Sorry" replied the commodore "But after that fall my mind appears to be blank"

"For crying out loud!" exclaimed as , out of sheer desperation he grabbed commodore Norington and kissed him! The commodore giggled and Jack grimaced looking like he was about to throw up.

"ok then you have twisted my arm. She's in the jail"

Will let out a sigh of relief "Thanks, come on Jack"

Jack didn't move. "Come _on _Jack!" pleaded Will. Jack looked at Will and replied

"I can't believe ye just did that! oh god! ye are going to be payin' for me therapy after that! I have seen many sick and strange things in my life but that was the worst, I'm gonna be sick!"

"Hey! it wasn't you who kissed him!"

"Ah ye, but i had to watch tat disgusting spectacle"

Will rolled his eyes "fine whatever, come on we need to get Elizabeth. Ang do not mention that to anyone!

Don't worry I won't just don't do that again, savvy?"

"Sure" said Will "now lets go!"

Jack and Will turned and set off towards the jail to free Elizabeth.

Well there it is thank you to everyone who reviewed. Sorry for taking so long trust us we'd rather be doing this than exams.

Please if you haven't already leave a review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	7. chapter 6

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Chapter 5 - all locked up with nowhere to go

Disclaimer- You know all this now we own nobody blah blah nothing blah blah pirates blah midgets in bras blah false blah evil lies.

Jack and Will were still slightly nauseous by the time they reached the jail.

They hid amongst the shadows then by slowly they sneaked inside, well if that's what you want to call it since every guard saw them but they let them pass as they could see that Jack and Will were making an effort and so decided to give them some credit.

They reached the cells and looked around but there wasn't really much to see. The was one cell that contained four pirates which Jack noticed where the same pirates that he had met when he was there. They appeared to have been caught after their last escape and were once again trying to entice the bloody dog with the keys. Ha! Idiots thought Jack then he remembered some unfinished business he had. He walked up to the dog and gave it a swift kick then began to shout

"That's what ye get fer runinn off on me with the bloody keys , ye stupid d......."

Jack didn't have time to finish as the dog snarled and lunged at Jack tackling him to the ground where Jack began to frantically punch it.

"Arrrrrh get off me!"

Will who had been watching all this sprung into action and quickly pulled the dog off Jack. He threw the dog down and it quickly ran off.

Jack leapt up straightening his hat he shook his fidt in the air and shouted

"Yeh ye better keep runnin!" the dog stopped in its tracks and turned to growl at Jack who shrank behind Will.

The pirates who had watched the whole scene with much enjoyment focused their attention on Jack. One pirate stared hard then spoke out "oi. I 'member you, watcha doin back ere?"

Jack looked at the pirate and calmly replied "visitin' me mate, doesn't look as if i need te ask ye what ye doin' ere does it?" he finished the sentence with a toothy grin.

"Well ye know how it is, can't keep outa trouble" the pirate replied "Eh mate ye couldn't do us a favour could ye?"

"What?"

"get us out"

"nope"

"Why not?"

"Well last time I was ere, an ye got the chance te escape ye didn't come back te help me did ye?"

"Well no but that was different mate"

"how so?" asked Jack

"Well if we had come back ere we'da got caught"

"Same for me now, I've just come to help out me mate ere" Replied Jack gesturing towards Will who looked very worried

"I can't find her Jack, what if Norrington was lying?!" Will felt sick especially as he had just kissed Norrington and it looked as if it was all for nothing!

"Will yer hopeless mate" sighed Jack as he took a step back and began to shout

"ELIZABETH! if yer not ere , say somethin!"

There was no reply.

"See Will" said Jack "she is ere!"

"Will?" asked a voice Will immediately recognised

"Elizabeth!" where are you?

"I'm in the cell next to these awful pirates!"

Will ran over to the cell and looked in. Elizabeth was sitting in the corner huddled up, moustache messed up.

"Oh Will! I'm so glad to see you! one of those awful pirates kept coming on to me!" cried Elizabeth, then she leant towards Will and whispered "And I think he's gay!"

Will looked over to the pirates and saw one who looked a lot different than the others. His pants were shorter and he had a tattoo of a pink anchor on his ankle. But most worryingly he appeared to be eyeing up the other pirates!

Will looked disgusted at memories of Norrington came flooding back.

"God this place is sick first the commodore and now there's a gay pirate! what is the world coming to?!"

Elizabeth pleas soon brought Will back to earth

"Will get me out of here, please!"

"Ok, Jack, help me" Will looked over to Jack who was poking fun at the pirates

"Ha! look at ye's, yer were all stupid enough te get yeselves caught, AGAIN! An look at me! I'm a free man, an ye know why? coz Im Captain Jack Sparrow!"

"JACK!" Yelled Will

"wAT?"

"Help me get Elizabeth out will you!"

"Alright wer is she?"

"Here!" Jack felt rather confused

"Where?" will began to get annoyed he could feel his anger rising up his neck

"Infront of me!" Jacks eyes widened with shock as he looked at Elizabeth who up until now he had assumed was another cross dresser like the commodore..

"Oh Elizabeth!, look atcha!" Well, you've really erm, matured o'er the last couple of years!"

Elizabeth blushed and rolled her eyes "Ok Jack just help me!"

"Ok stand back!" said Jack as he took out his pistol and carefully aimed it at the lock. Unfortunately not carefully enough and the bullet bounced off the lock, the bars of the cell and shot into the cell hitting a rather unfortunate pirate who was bending over to tie his shoe in the arse. The pirate jumpes and let out a high puitched scream then turned around to face non other than, you guessed it! the gay pirate.

"You perv!" shouted the pirate as he threw a punch at the gay pirate who fell in a heap to the floor and proceded to cry.

"Oh my god! you really hurt me, thats gonna leave a brusie! oh you mean mean person!"

Will slapped Jack on the back of the head "Idiot!, I was only gonna ask you to help me take the door off!"

Jack smirked "But where's the fun in that?"

Will groaned, "just help me!"

"ok ok don't get your skirt in a ruffle"

Jack and Will both took hole of the door and with a heave the door sprang off, freeing Elizabeth.

"Come on lets go the guards will of heard that!"

Jack, Will and Elizabeth quietly ran out of the jail and made it back to the house in one piece.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhh! What's Elizabeth gonna say when she finds the house in a mess and what is the commodore gonna do next. You will just have to wait, :P hehe

Well there u go chapter 6 and so many questions left 2 b answered. Thank u 2 everybody who reviewed here is and inflatable parrot 4 u all.

I f u r reading this 4 the 1st time then please READ AND REVIEW!


	8. Chapter 7

Disclaimer- Come on you know this by now we own nothing to do with pirates of the Caribbean however we have a new ebay bid for something .And everything here is fictional blah blah lobster blah

Chapter 7 - Hostage!

Will, Elizabeth and Jack began to make their way back to the house, Elizabeth walked further ahead of Will and Jack because she was VERY determined to get back, for obvious reasons. Will was desperately trying to think up something to tell Elizabeth about why the house looked like a bomb has hit it.

'What am I going to say? 'Oh, sorry about the mess Elizabeth, I got a little carried away while I was high, don't worry, I'll be more careful and try to control myself next time?' yeah right!' Will thought.

They soon reached the house and entered, Will was the last and he had his eyes tightly closed, trying to prepare himself for what Elizabeth had to say.

Elizabeth looked around in amazement "What happened here?"

Will's eyes were still closed as he thought the worst. "Er, I don't know what you mean dear"

"Well when I came back here, this place was a mess, complete with you lying unconscious at the doorway, and now look at it! It's like a different house!" Elizabeth said, happily.

At this Will's eyes shot open, and he looked around. The house was completely spotless!

"Do you know if any thieves took anything?" Elizabeth asked worriedly. Will was still in a daze as he looked around the room, from Elizabeth's worried face, to Jack who was busy stuffing a candle holder in his coat pocket, then back to Elizabeth. He was very confused at what she said, but hey, if she thought they had been robbed, then he would go along with it, besides it was much better than the truth.

"Erm, I'm not sure dear, I mean I had been knocked out, after all," he replied trying to look like he knew what was going on.

Jack then took it upon himself to interrupt, looking confused. "Wait a minute! Will, ye told me tha Elizabeth OW!" Will had stood on his foot, and looked evily at Jack , who decided to be quiet, realising he had put Will in an awkward position. He mumbled something about eunuchs and walked away, looking for more thongs to, er, 'borrow.'

"I what, Will?" Elizabeth asked.

"Er, I told Jack that you would be upset when I told you that there are some things that have been broken" Elizabeth looks over at Jack who is in the process of putting some stainless silver spoons (ha! Say it with me: Stainless Silver Spoons!!!!!!! Sorry) in his coat. He looks at them and says, "Oh yeah, he did say that"

"Oh, OK, well then, lets all go into the parlour and have a cup of tea, shall we? It has been a tiring day after all!"

Will and Jack just shrugged and followed Elizabeth into the parlour, which was quite dark, considering it was light out. Will was starting to get a little suspicious. First he didn't clean the house because he didn't have time, and the maids couldn't have done it because it was their day off. Second, he was getting an eerie feeling, like someone else was in there with them. It was still dark, so Elizabeth went over to the windows and opened the curtains, letting the light shine into the room. As she opened them, she heard the door close. She turned around to see the face of……..

"Commodore!"

Everyone turned around to face him. He stood at the door, grinning evilly, with a mad glint in his eye.

"Why hello Lizzy, or should I say, FRIZZY Lizzy?" He laughed at his own sad joke, while everyone stared at him.

"What do you want Norrington?" Elizabeth asked.

Commodore Norrington looked at Elizabeth, then to Will, and spoke "Will, haven't you told her about us? I'm hurt!"

Before anyone could answer Jack spoke. "Well mate, since this asen't got anythin to do with me, I'll just be on me way an leave ye to it, Will, Elizabeth, er, Commodore I shall see yes all soon!" Jack went to the door but the Commodore got there first, and locked it. He the put the key down the front of his dress. Well, because he has NO chest (if ya know what I mean!) and the key just fell through, and landed on the floor.

"Damn!" He picked up the key, and put it under his wig. "No one is going anywhere he said calmly.The the commodore turned to face Will and Elizabeth so, Will aren't you going to tell Elizabeth, or should I?" He grinned evilly, seeing confusion all over Elizabeth's face.

Will stared at him. "There's nothing to tell, Norrington, so why don't you just go home, and leave me alone. I'M NOT INTERESTED, YOU PERVERT!"

Commodore Norrington just smiles and replies, "You must have a very short memory the Mr Turner!"

Elizabeth looks at Will. "What is he talking about?"

Jack shudders at the memory of Will's, er, kiss with the Commodore. "Ye don't wanna know love, trust me."

"Oh Elizabeth, I'm talking about that little kiss Will and I shared while you were sitting in the jail."

Elizabeth looks hurt and disgusted asshe turned to look at Jack, who nodded his head. She then looked at Will feeling her anger rise inside her "YOU KISSED NORRINGTON?! HOW COULD YOU?"

Will placed his hands on Elizabeths shouldersand tried to calm her down, while the Commodore looked very pleased with himself. "I had to Elizabeth, I couldn't find you and -

"WHAT? Oh I get it, you didn't know where I was and because you were feeling lonely, you had to turn to the nearest thing in a dress, and Norrington just happened to show up? Is that it?"

"NO! He knew where you where, and he wouldn't tell me, I couldn't think of anything else to do, I was desperate! I knew that would work because -

"Because what, Will?" Elizabeth asked, feeling sick to hear her husband had kissed a man - a cross-dresser! and a rather bad one at that.

Will took a deep breath and replied "Because, Elizabeth, he, he, he wanted me! Ok!"

Jack stood there, fascinated watching the pair argue, and he couldn't help but laugh. Will looks at him desperate for help but Jack simply shrugged and said "Sorry mate, but it is quite funny from where I'm standin!"

"Oh Commodore, look this is ridiculous, you can't have Will, he's my husband! Please let us go"

Commodore Norrington smiled and shook his head, "I'm afraid I can't do that Elizabeth, and you are in no position to demand anything"

There is a noise coming from inside a cupboard and the Commodore's smile gets wider. "Ah! Looks like my little hostage has woken up!" He walks over to the cupboard, opens it and out fell a mysterious figure.

HAHA, were so evil! Who is Commodore Norrington holding hostage? Find out in the next chapter - which may be the last - From The Shiny Pearl, and Prancing Pink Monkeys!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also please for the love of god review!


	9. chapter 8

Quick note-I (prancing-pink-monkeys) apologise for the big delay in-between updates but my computer broke. Thanks 4 being so patient.

Disclaimer-well as u know this is all fiction from our twisted minds that have been further warped by today's tv society. We own nothing at all not even the potato sacks we are wearing.

Chapter 8 – The end?

"FATHER!" Elizabeth exclaimed.

Governor Swann fell out of the cupboard, unconscious. Elizabeth tried to go over to him, but Commodore Norrington got there before her. He picked him up, and held him at lipstick point.

"Anybody moves, and dear old Governor Swann gets a nice makeover!" Commodore Norrington laughed evilly.

"Please, don't!" Cried Elizabeth.

"Well, what's wrong with a little makeover?" Jack asked.

Will looked at him, and replied, "Well if you look at the state of Commodore Norrington's make up, then I think you can guess why we don't want him to go near the Governor with make up of any sort!"

"Ah, good explanation, mate" Jack turned to the Commodore "Commodore, please, put the lipstick down, and don't do anything stupid"

"HA! And you think I'm going to listen to you, Sparrow? Of course not!"

"Please, just let us go," Elizabeth was nearly in tears now.

"I'm sorry, I can't do that. No one is leaving until Will admits his feelings for me" Commodore Norrington replied.

"How many times do I have to tell you? I hate you!" Will was becoming angry. "I don't care that you've dressed up as a woman to get my attention, I'm married for Gods sake!"

"So does that mean that there would be a chance if you were single?" Norrington asked, glaring evilly at Elizabeth.

"I've said it once, and I'll say it again, Norrington, NOT IF YOU WERE THE LAST CROSSDRESSER ON EARTH!"

Commodore Norrington frowned, and dropped Governor Swann, who was still unconscious. Elizabeth went over to him, to see if he was ok. The Commodore walked over to a drawer, and pulled something out. "I had really hoped I didn't have to resort to this." He put on a false sad look, and narrowed his eyes at Will.

"What are you talking about?" Will asked, becamoming nervous, as Norrington stared at him.

"Well, while I was cleaning up this pigsty of a house, I came across something quite interesting" He broke out into a grin, seeing Will's look.

"Oh, and what would that be?" Will asked.

Norrington held up a bag with white powder inside. "My, Will, aren't we a dark horse?"

Elizabeth looked at Will, and asked, "What is that?"

Norrington smiled, then replied, "Oh, Elizabeth, you act like you've never seen cocaine, found it in your room."

"Will, how could ye?!" Everyone turned to look at Jack, who looked very hurt. "What!I thought we were mates, an all this time ye have kept this from me. I, I don't think that we can be friends anymore." He noticed everyone staring at him "What? Can't a guy have his moments?" he shouted.

Elizabeth turned her attention back to Will, "What the hell are you doing with cocaine?"

Will shifts uncomfortably, "Well, I, erm, I'm minding it?"

"Not good enough, try again"

"I, I, I'm an addict, ok? I can't help it, my life is so stressful at the moment, or haven't you noticed? I've got a wife with more bloody facial hair than me, AND to top it off, a cross-dressing stalker!"

Norrington spoke up, "Actually, I prefer the term wannabe woman, with a serious crush"

"Whatever, look, why me? Isn't there someone else you fancy that you could bother?"

Norrington looked at the floor and replied, "Well there is one" He giggles slightly.

"Really, who?" Elizabeth asked.

"Oh, no one," He replied, sighing dreamily.

"Oh come on, tell us, please?" Elizabeth pleaded.

"Ok, ok, for a while now I've had a HUGE crush on Gillette." Norrington replied, blushing.

"So why don't you tell him instead of chasing my husband?"

"Well, I just wanted to make sure Will wasn't interested before I made my move on Gillette, didn't want to make Will jealous now, did I?"

"So will you tell him then, so we can go?"

"And say what? Just tell him, I can't do that!"

"Why the bloody ell not? You were like that with Will!"

"That was different! Gillette isn't as easy as Will!"

"Oh, if I'm easy, then I'd hate to see what Gillette's like!" Will muttered, earning an elbow in the ribs from Elizabeth. She then mouthed 'shut up,' to which Will did.

Suddenly the door was kicked down, as guards rushed in, surrounding the Commodore, staring at his choice of clothing.

"What are you doing?" Norrington asked.

Gillette made his way through the guards, to speak to him. "Well sir, we were up at the fort, when we saw smoke signals coming from this house, so we decided to investigate.

"Smoke signals?!" Everyone looked over at the fireplace, where Jack had his coat over it, taking it off every few seconds. He looked up and saw the guards, "HA! It looks like me plan worked then. Good job me mum forced me to join the scouts when I was a boy!" He stood up and joined the group. The attention had turned back to Norrington.

"Sir, may I ask what is going on here?"

"Oh, Gillette! There's something I need to tell you, I really fancy you, you know!" Norrington said shyly.

"Excuse me?" asked a shocked Gillette, hoping he misheard him.

Will stepped in, to stop Norrington from saying anymore.

"Sir, I'll explain it all to you."

Will spent the next hour telling Gillette what happened.

After hearing what happened, he went over to Norrington, "I'm sorry sir, but I have to arrest you for harassing these people." He put him in irons, but Norrington smiled, unfazed, and raised an eyebrow.

"Hmm, into bondage Gillette? I'm into role play, myself – maybe you could wear your uniform to bed?"

"Sir, I don't think you understand the seriousness of this."

Norrington rolled his eyes, "Of course I do, what do you take me for? No one will suspect anything, if that's what you're worried about, because I'm dressed as a woman, BUT if you keep up these public displays 'holds up irons' then it just won't work."

"I really don't know what you're talking about sir, but what I do know is that you are going to jail."

"But, but..." Norrington was speechless, as the guards dragged him off.

Gillette turned to Will, Elizabeth and Jack, "I'm really sorry about that, we'll just take Governor Swann to the doctors, and we'll be on our way." Gillette motions to a guard, who picked up the Governor, and put him over his shoulder. He walked out, but Gillette shouted, "Wait a minute!"

"Yes?" The guard turned around, hitting the Governors head on the doorframe.

Gillette rolled his eyes, "Don't forget his wig," he said, handing the guard the pink wig.

"Ah, thanks," He turned to leave, hitting Governor Swann's head again in the process, and walked out.

"Well bye" All the guards cleared out.

When everyone left, Elizabeth turned to Will and said, "So what are you going to do about your little addiction?"

"It's not an addiction!" Will cried.

"It will be if you don't do something about it!"

"Hey, you can't ask me to give it up!" Elizabeth stared at him. "Please? I quit smoking, this is all I have left!"

"But Will, it's dangerous to your health!"

"So is rum, but Jack's been drinking it for years! And he's fine, see?"

They both turned to look at Jack, who had passed out on the floor, with an empty bottle of rum next to him.

"Where did he get that from?" Will mused.

"I don't know – HEY IS THAT ONE OF MY SPOONS?!" Elizabeth shrieked.

"Hey, calm down!"

"Fine! Where were we? Oh yes, well if you want to look like that 'points to Jack' then go ahead, keep on taking your precious drugs, but you won't be doing it here!"

"Ok, ok, I'll sign up for a 12 step programme tomorrow." Will sighed.

"Thank you, now, I'm going to try out a new product my father got me. Apparently it's all the rage in Brazil. It's supposed to help me get rid of my moustache."

"What is it?" Will asked.

"They're called wax strips, see you later," with that Elizabeth left the room.

Will sighed, then turned to Jack, who had woken up.

"So are you going to stay any longer?" Will asked.

"Nah, I miss me ship, although it was a fun visit, well see ye."

"Bye Jack."

Will smiled, finally, everything is back to normal.

In the jail...

It was shower time, and all the prisoners were washing. Commodore Norrington was humming to himself. Now, you'd think that a Commodore being stuck in jail would be a kick in the teeth, but not our Commodore.

He turned to the man showering next to him and grinned.

"Excuse me sir, be a sport, and pass the soap."

The man looked at the soap nervously, which was surprisingly lying on the floor.

Commodore Norrington saw the look of terror on the young mans face, and laughed evilly.

The end

There you have it folks – it's been great writing this! We would like to thank everyone who had reviewed, it meant a lot to us, and let us know if you guys want a sequel or not. By The Shiny Pearl, and my good friend Prancing Pink Monkeys.

(prancing-pink-monkeys "wow I have a friend I'm so sob happy")


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